Walking into "the lodge" tonight I entered into a whirlwind of my memories . A merry go round of smells,people,and sounds twirled and twirled around me. My sister Cassie dressed in her gorgeous wedding gown with the pool colored sash, her groom at her side, came rushing past me as I entered the foyer. Then in a flash they were gone and there were people lined up throwing rice at Kate's wedding. Photographer flashing pictures, tears flowing down the faces of my family members as they were whisked away...Fragrant smells of my mom's breakfast she made for the guests wafted down as I started up the stairs. I saw families on their vacations looking out the lodge windows, soaking up amazing Alaska at it's greatest. Luggage sat on the stairs, children ran around. I looked down the hall and my mom scuttled on by with a Christmas roast in her arms just making it to the table to add to the feast. Pumkin bread was so pungent in the air, the sounds of people laughing in the glass room as we celebrated my mother and father in laws 25th wedding anniversary. I heard the sleigh bells jingling outside. Then cousins and aunt and uncles sang worship songs together as my husband played and led us in worship with my uncle, a family reunion we had one summer.
Cassie and Sam snuggled on the couch while Abby and I played a Christmas duet on the piano. This was another Christmas, instead of just pure happiness in our hearts their was the frequent looks of fear as we watched our Mother get sicker. Still so much joy, and I ran back to the balcony so I could look over at my family all cozy in sweaters laughing as we took one of our last family pictures.
Turning to go up the stairs I saw all of us on the couch, staring blankly, our faces worn with sorrow and days of no sleep. Pastor sat with us along with some of our husbands family. Mom was still up stairs, but gone. The snow piled high outside.
I quickly turned away from those images. Up the stairs ...each step I became more enveloped in the comforting smell of my Mother. Still so strong, though she has been gone ten months today.
I let her smell cover me and I barely make it to her chair where I collapse for a time. Letting those sobs that only come every now and then rack my body until I feel better.
How can she really not be here anymore? The silly, ceramic, snowman candy dish still sits on the coffee table where we placed it a week before she died, hoping to bring in some Christmas cheer. Clothes still in the closet, her favorite foods still in the cupboards. All that is missing is her bed in the corner. Is it all really over? This dream that we lived out for two years? Those two years where I loved more than I've ever loved and hurt more than I've ever hurt. When at times such extreme joy was mixed with such extreme sorrow you laughed and you cried, at once.
How can I ever let this place go? It's not mine to even decide. What will it be like when I can't smell her anymore? How will I describe her to my children if I have no where to take them to remember her? I want to always remember. I left so sad, so hurt.
Locking everything up I got back into my car. I toyed with the idea of running back in and spending the night,with her smell with her precense. She loved it here, she placed the furniture, she hung the photos, she watched her mountains. She was the keeper of this magnificent place.
My iphone came on automatically as I backed out of the long drive. Mark Shultz sang....
Remember me
In a Bible cracked and faded by the years
Remember me
In a santuary filled with silent prayers
And age to age
And heart to heart
Bound by grace and peace
Child of wonder, Child of God
I'll remember you
Remember Me
Remember me
When the color of the sunset fills the sky
Remember me
When you pray and the tears of joy
fall from your eyes
Remember me
When the children leave
their Sunday school with smiles
Remember me
When they're old enough to teach
Old enough to preach
Old enough to leave
Age to age and heart to heart
Child of wonder child of God
Remember me
Age to age and heart to heart
Child of wonder child of God
I'll always remember her, the picture on top is her bible, "very cracked and faded by the years". Physical things to hold and look at are so comforting. but what will truly last and move forward with time is what she has instilled in me as her daughter.
Thankful...
